Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
