Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
