just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
