alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
high people should be assigned attendants
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
