i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
