i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
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I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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