Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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