I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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