So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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