shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
