Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
