Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
