The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
