I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
