So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
