eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Floor bacon is actually really good
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
