I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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