Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
