my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
