i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
