i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
