What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
