we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You need Xanax blowdarts
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
