dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
