Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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