You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
