My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
