Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
