I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
