end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
