my shit smells like andre
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
