I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
