oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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