I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
