I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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