I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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