I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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