you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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