I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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