Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
