you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
