I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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