she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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