have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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