i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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