I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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