I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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