"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
