Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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