I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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