I want to make a zoo with you.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize