Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
