What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
