dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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