What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
