Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
