Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
