You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
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