He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize