She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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