if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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