Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
COCAINE IS GR8
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
