if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
