she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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