Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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