Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
