So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize